My three oldest children are now married, each with a toddler and another baby on the way in 2020. The initiation of those new family units (six, four and three years ago) has propelled me in an instant into the role of “in-law” several times. However, in my mind, once someone makes a commitment to one of my children they become true blue, through and through family, so I have tried to treat each with as much respect as my own child and refer to them as sons and daughters, not sons-in-law or daughter-in-law.
From my perspective, I have a positive relationship with each of my children’s spouses but have not been successful at getting any of them to call me Mom or my husband Dad, nor do my children call their in-laws by these titles, though I have encouraged it. I certainly haven't pushed any of them to use those terms with us, but they all know that I would prefer it as I request it casually when each comes into the family and then refer to myself as Mom in conversations and sign all communications that way, no matter what family member I am addressing.
In the article, "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families," it points out that “while awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents” (Harper & Olsen, 2005). I can confirm that this one thing, at least for me, does feel distancing. I have accepted that this is how it will be and that they each have chosen what they are comfortable with (which is their adult prerogative) but each time they call me by my first name instead of my loved title, it is a little reminder that I am an in-law, which is one step removed. That is a small disappointment compared with the abundance of joys that these family additions have brought into our lives.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton has said, Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” I think we have been successful at encouraging our children to create their own family units while still supporting them in love. I will admit that as a mother of married children and a grandmother of their offspring, it can sometimes be hard to bite my tongue, but I do, knowing how important it is for these young families to learn to rely on each other and progress by their own experience. It is no longer my place to give advice unless it’s specifically requested (Harper & Olsen, 2005). My place now, and always has been, is to give support and love.
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