What About the In-Laws

THOUGHTS on LESSON #13

My three oldest children are now married, each with a toddler and another baby on the way in 2020. The initiation of those new family units (six, four and three years ago) has propelled me in an instant into the role of “in-law” several times. However, in my mind, once someone makes a commitment to one of my children they become true blue, through and through family, so I have tried to treat each with as much respect as my own child and refer to them as sons and daughters, not sons-in-law or daughter-in-law.

From my perspective, I have a positive relationship with each of my children’s spouses but have not been successful at getting any of them to call me Mom or my husband Dad, nor do my children call their in-laws by these titles, though I have encouraged it. I certainly haven't pushed any of them to use those terms with us, but they all know that I would prefer it as I request it casually when each comes into the family and then refer to myself as Mom in conversations and sign all communications that way, no matter what family member I am addressing.

In the article, "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families," it points out that “while awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents” (Harper & Olsen, 2005). I can confirm that this one thing, at least for me, does feel distancing. I have accepted that this is how it will be and that they each have chosen what they are comfortable with (which is their adult prerogative) but each time they call me by my first name instead of my loved title, it is a little reminder that I am an in-law, which is one step removed. That is a small disappointment compared with the abundance of joys that these family additions have brought into our lives.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton has said, Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” I think we have been successful at encouraging our children to create their own family units while still supporting them in love. I will admit that as a mother of married children and a grandmother of their offspring, it can sometimes be hard to bite my tongue, but I do, knowing how important it is for these young families to learn to rely on each other and progress by their own experience. It is no longer my place to give advice unless it’s specifically requested (Harper & Olsen, 2005). My place now, and always has been, is to give support and love.

Becoming One

THOUGHTS on LESSON #12

In this day and age, there is so much push and pressure in the world to live for ourselves and focus on Me. Even among some couples, there is a cultural focus on individualized identities but we learn from D&C 38:27 that it is vital in the Lord’s eyes to be unified and if we aren’t then we are not His. Elder Henry B. Eyring has taught, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity." (“That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998, 66 (Links to an external site.))

I was talking to my neighbor today, who is a strong woman and an active member of another Christian faith. She shared a wise message that she received as a personal prompting early in her marriage about this important relationship triangle. She said she was pondering and praying and she felt this question in her mind from God. “How will you learn to submit to Me without submitting to your husband's leadership? And how will you learn to submit to your husband without submitting to Me?!" She said as a wife and Christian, surrounded in today's society by a culture that demeans the leadership of men it is so important to remember the structure of marriage and how God set it up in the beginning.

That, of course, does not mean that men rule over their wives or that wives rule over their husbands. Men and women are equals in the sight of God and work in the marriage relationship as partners, but we have been given different divine gifts and responsibilities. Dr. Richard B. Miller said of male leadership, “A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family” (“Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”, BYU Conference on Family Life - March 28, 2008). In truth, we both have a responsibility to serve each other and look out for the interests of our spouses, no matter what role we are asked to fulfill.

Sometimes respecting my husbands' role means that I have to reel back my zeal and bite my tongue (a good exercise in restraint.) Sometimes it means that he has to get out of his comfort zone and be more assertive but as we respect each other, not just our roles, we both grow personally, we grow closer to each other and we grow closer to God. We become closer to being "one."

My Parents as Newlyweds

"These Powerful and Beautiful Feelings of Love"

THOUGHTS on LESSON #11

In 1960, Hugh B. Brown, who at the time was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve apostles emphatically stated in a personal publication:

“Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes.

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. … 

“If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities … if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, … much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 22–23, 73.) They Twain Shall be One

I was raised in a home where education about sexuality happened in a single, vague talk (lecture, not discussion) with my father because my mother was too uncomfortable to broach the subject. However, we were well versed, from consistent family gospel study, on what immorality we should avoid in the language of the scriptures and prophets. My parents are good, loving people and this approach did keep me effectively safe from physical temptations in my youth, but it did not adequately prepare me for healthy relationship building in marriage. In fact, I am just beginning to realize the emotional struggle (exacerbated with many other factors out of my control) that my undereducation of the proper role of this facet of my marriage relationship has contributed to.
As a young adult, I received a book on sexual intimacy as an engagement gift which I did read (with curious discomfiture) but I never thought of pursuing a comprehensive spiritual education into this new role. Nor, did I think to apply the scriptural admonition, “seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith”(D&C 88:118) to sexual intimacy.

Dr. Sean Brotherson, a family life specialist who did apply this scripture to his engagement period education has said, “God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life.” Over my 30 years of marriage I have learned much indirectly through my general personal study of the words of the prophets about the sacred role of intimacy in marriage but I am now confident that by studying this subject only indirectly I have missed out on an added dimension of the second reason that Elder Richard G. Scott gives for “these powerful and beautiful feelings of love” which is to “bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.” Making the Right Choice - Oct. 1994 General Conference

The merciful thing about the Atonement of Jesus Christ is that it is never too late to learn, change, grow and become better today than I was yesterday, in all my roles and understandings of them.

"Healing Human Souls...The Heavenly Prerogative"

THOUGHTS on LESSON #10

There are some concepts so pertinent to emotional prosperity that our study of them will never be complete in mortality. As I come to the end of my educational immersion in the text of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, I am overwhelmed with the relationship treasures that I have excavated and know that I will continually be drawn back to its principles, over and over again. The themes of personal responsibility, character building, meekness, selflessness, charity and the overarching power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ propels me to assess inwardly and serve outwardly. A few of my favorite concepts are beautifully summarized in  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s own words:

“Sometimes we imagine that learning some tidy set of skills will enable us to process our partnership woes effectively. But good marriage is not about skills. It is about character.”

“In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.”

“We cannot steal the fire of love from heaven. We must buy it with soul stretching payments.”

As I have read through this book and simultaneously studied the concepts in Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I have been continuously humbled and chastened but not downtrodden. For concurrent with this corrective spirit I have been encouraged by a brightness of hope, a reassurance of healing in my own relationships, and a return of the best kind of control in life...self-control.

It is far too easy to spend the energy of human nature on feeling sorry for ourselves because of the poor choices of others or blaming our inferior circumstances on the faulty flaws of family and friends who are sometimes viewed as foes.

I have experienced the opportunity of being occasionally tutored by professional counselors over the struggling course of the last ten years. It has been helpful, but over the last ten weeks of study in my Marriage and Family coursework, based in large part on these two texts, I have come to understand more than ever before the puniness of pride, the largesse of charity and the essential power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in the process of healing and happiness.

Dr. Wallace’s profound conclusion is fundamental to all that I have learned this semester and am striving to apply in my own imperfect relationships. It is an enlightened reminder of the personal accountability required for personal peace :

“...healing human souls is something we humans always do poorly. That is why the devil wants us to be mate-fixing do-it-yourselfers. This is a keen irony in our dilemma. We cannot fix our partners. We cannot even fix ourselves! But we can make ourselves humble. We can recognize our dependence on God for all that we have and are. We can gladly acknowledge that it is He who lends us breath and sustains the simplest functions of life and love. So when we presume to set our partners and our marriage right, we are intruding on the Heavenly prerogative. We are seizing the reins from God. It doesn't work. We mortals make poor gods."

The Surrender and Victory of Marital Consecration

THOUGHTS on LESSON #9

Consecration is a deep water concept only fully understandable in a religious context so I have been trying to do some pondering with my spiritual eyes this week. I have always directly connected consecration with my relationship with God but have never fully considered its precepts within the framework of marriage. Elder Neil A. Maxwell has said, "Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride" (quoted by H. Wallace Goddard in Drawing Heaven into our Marriage). Who of us is not guilty at some level of pride and selfishness in our relationships or the consequential confines of those natural man tendencies? Who of us does not want to be free from those fetters?

In simple terms, consecration is defined in the New Testament. “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for [Christ’s] sake shall find it. (Matthew 16:25) A similar principle applies to marriage. Only in full immersion and full investment will we find full joy. I love the consecration metaphors that H. Wallace Goddard shares that help us to see the principle more clearly:

• Only the vines connected to the roots will bear fruit. 
• Only that part of the car driven into the car wash can be cleaned. 
• Only those train cars hooked to the engine can be pulled up the mountain. 
• Only that which we bring to the altar can be sanctified and perfected.

We cannot expect to find joy in a marriage in which we are only giving part of ourselves. That is not consecration. We have to give all of ourselves and that means giving up our pride and selfishness as well. H. Wallace Goddard has stated:

 Consecration in marriage...requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving...as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.  

...Those who relentlessly demand something better...will be disappointed. Those who give up ...their time, talents, and expectations in service of their families are the ones who get everything…

Consecrating ourselves to the Lord isn’t easy but it poses no real risks because we are putting our trust in a perfect being who has no other motive than to help us find joy. Marriage poses all kinds of risks because two imperfect people are putting trust in each other in the process of becoming and that is bound to cause some conflict. My own marriage has had its share of challenges and both my spouse and I have our share of weaknesses but the more we let go of our own greedy grasping for happiness and turn our hearts and hands to the care and comfort of the other, the more we experience the “liberating gift” of forgiveness and the transformation of consecration (James E. Faust, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness,"Ensign, April 2007).

My Parents: Invested in Their Marriage for 52 Years

Trying to Steer Clear of "An Empty Egocentrism"

THOUGHTS on LESSON #8 

This past weekend, I curled up on my couch with my husband and twin teenage daughters to watch an animated “family movie” which had recently released and boasted positive reviews. For approximately 20 minutes we smiled and laughed and then became stunned with how quickly the storyline veered into murky messages and exemplified exactly the sad observations of the “contemporary social psychologist”  Roy Baumeister who said,

"Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth. Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified perhaps even obligated-to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According  to today's values, ‘A kind of selfishness is essential to love.’" (Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Our Marriage, 2009)

Of course, this movie is fictitious but media can direct or reflect many aspects of our current culture's reality and we are seeing this theme pop up frequently and in the most unexpected places. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s commentary is chilling. “When we have tossed sacrifice, obligation, and unselfishness from our contributions to relationships, we have nothing left but an empty egocentrism.” (Goddard, 2009)

I have been pondering the struggling opposition between pride and humility in the context of relationships. The “natural man” in each of us yearns to place our own wants and needs before those of others. Parenthood helps us learn to quickly conquer that tendency to some extent but the nature of marriage can complicate the concept if we get caught up in a quid pro quo mentality and refuse to put our spouse’s wants and needs before our own. I’m not talking about subservience but about benevolence.

This principle brings another movie message to mind but this one is hopeful. In Enchanted April, all the characters begin as miserably self-absorbed but over the course of a month, as they each learn to look outwardly they begin to find the joy that comes from true charity. Selfishness dissipates, friendships emerge, and marriages mend. Lottie Wilkins, a character who has been previously unhappy in her marriage describes the former cause this way. “The important thing is to have lots of love about. I was very stingy with it back home. I used to measure and count it out. I had this obsession with justice, you see. I wouldn't love Mellersh unless he loved me back exactly as much. And as he didn't, neither did I.” Eventually, this character helps all of the others, through kindness and love and her own personal change, see their own follies and begin to make their own positive changes.

Pres. Ezra Taft Benson has said, “Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters” (a term which is being used in a broad religious sense so most emphatically includes our spouses.)  He went on to share that “Christ wants to lift us to where He is” and suggests that one way we can become more humble is to cultivate a desire and the associated actions to lift others as high as or higher than ourselves. (Benson, E.T. Beware of Pride, 1989) I am working on laying aside my own selfish concerns in order to focus on lifting my spouse and children but it's a minute-by-minute, internal struggle that requires constant repenting, reassessment, and incredible vulnerability but I am slowly understanding the ironic joy and fulfillment of finding myself by forgetting myself. In truth, it's an often painful process whereby I am gradually shedding off the natural man and drawing closer to God, which in turn draws me closer to my fellow man.

REMEMBERING EXAMPLES of HUMILITY and SELFLESSNESS

Preparing to begin a youth pioneer memory Trek (our second) -2015

Part of my family participating in a city live nativity - 2015

“Marriage Is Strengthened in the Supermarket Aisle”

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #7

Almost 5 years ago, my husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary by spending a week in Kauai, Hawaii. We saved for ten years in order to have that experience, and for this untraveled, Idaho farm girl, it was more than I had hoped for. In fact, it was truly amazing and has become one of my all-time favorite memories. Next year we will celebrate our 30th anniversary. We haven’t been able to squirrel enough money away to plan another celebration on that level but I’ve been pondering “lesser” plans and found a quote by Dr. John Gottman to be of special interest in this area. He said that “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

Celebratory events are important in our family and I don’t have plans to trade a relaxing mini-vacation for a weekend of helpful chores and errands but I have been intrigued as we have studied the concept of turning toward our spouse this week. It sounds like a simple principle but I have been disquieted by how many times I am getting it wrong. “In marriage, couples are always making…'bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.” There is no fence-sitting here. We have only two reactive options when a bid has been made; we either turn toward our spouse by engaging affirmatively, or we turn away by disengaging or responding negatively. In this context, a non-reaction is a negative reaction.

I am becoming uncomfortably aware that I have been missing “bids” due to distraction or defensiveness. These are both situations that Dr. Gottman has noticed “tend to interfere with partners’ turning toward each other and building up their sense of trust.”I am not as technologically “wired” as many of the people that surround me, so I am more often distracted by busyness or tasks but Gottman has found that technology is the main distractive obstacle to most couples turning toward spouses. Defensiveness, the other common obstacle, usually pops up because of an unbalanced focus on message delivery (“wrapped in anger or other negative emotion”) instead of the “bid” underneath it.

Unfortunately, when I am engaged enough to be catching all the “bids” from my husband, I fear that I am falling short in my active listening skills, which are the actions that help to validate the “bids.” Take a look at some of the research suggestions below and assess yourself. Are there areas where you could also make improvements?

Instructions for Active Listening: (Gottman, J. M., Silver, N., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, ch. 6, p. 95-100)

1. Take turns - Try 15-minute intervals. Don’t interrupt.
2. Show genuine interest - Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact and verbal connections.
3. Don’t give ANY unsolicited advice - “Don’t do something, just BE there!”If advice is solicited, “Understanding must precede advice.” (quoting Dr. Haim Ginott) You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma. Only then will he or she be receptive to suggestions.
4. Communicate your understanding - Use empathetic phrases.
5. Take your partner’s side - Express support in a “we against others” attitude. 
6. Show solidarity; “we’re in this together.”
7. Show affection
8. Validate emotions - Let your partner know his or her feelings make sense to you.

Most of us have heard and would intellectually agree with the notion that “it’s the little things that count” but are we intentionally living by that motto from moment to moment? I know that I could definitely be more conscientious. Dr. Gottman has observed that “Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle...but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” 

So what is to be done about planning the 30th wedding anniversary celebration? It sounds like I would do well to spend more time focusing on the little celebrations I can manage today, tomorrow, next week, and always for they will be the foundation upon which the successes of the big celebrations in our life will utterly depend.