“Marriage Is Strengthened in the Supermarket Aisle”

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #7

Almost 5 years ago, my husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary by spending a week in Kauai, Hawaii. We saved for ten years in order to have that experience, and for this untraveled, Idaho farm girl, it was more than I had hoped for. In fact, it was truly amazing and has become one of my all-time favorite memories. Next year we will celebrate our 30th anniversary. We haven’t been able to squirrel enough money away to plan another celebration on that level but I’ve been pondering “lesser” plans and found a quote by Dr. John Gottman to be of special interest in this area. He said that “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

Celebratory events are important in our family and I don’t have plans to trade a relaxing mini-vacation for a weekend of helpful chores and errands but I have been intrigued as we have studied the concept of turning toward our spouse this week. It sounds like a simple principle but I have been disquieted by how many times I am getting it wrong. “In marriage, couples are always making…'bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.” There is no fence-sitting here. We have only two reactive options when a bid has been made; we either turn toward our spouse by engaging affirmatively, or we turn away by disengaging or responding negatively. In this context, a non-reaction is a negative reaction.

I am becoming uncomfortably aware that I have been missing “bids” due to distraction or defensiveness. These are both situations that Dr. Gottman has noticed “tend to interfere with partners’ turning toward each other and building up their sense of trust.”I am not as technologically “wired” as many of the people that surround me, so I am more often distracted by busyness or tasks but Gottman has found that technology is the main distractive obstacle to most couples turning toward spouses. Defensiveness, the other common obstacle, usually pops up because of an unbalanced focus on message delivery (“wrapped in anger or other negative emotion”) instead of the “bid” underneath it.

Unfortunately, when I am engaged enough to be catching all the “bids” from my husband, I fear that I am falling short in my active listening skills, which are the actions that help to validate the “bids.” Take a look at some of the research suggestions below and assess yourself. Are there areas where you could also make improvements?

Instructions for Active Listening: (Gottman, J. M., Silver, N., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, ch. 6, p. 95-100)

1. Take turns - Try 15-minute intervals. Don’t interrupt.
2. Show genuine interest - Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact and verbal connections.
3. Don’t give ANY unsolicited advice - “Don’t do something, just BE there!”If advice is solicited, “Understanding must precede advice.” (quoting Dr. Haim Ginott) You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma. Only then will he or she be receptive to suggestions.
4. Communicate your understanding - Use empathetic phrases.
5. Take your partner’s side - Express support in a “we against others” attitude. 
6. Show solidarity; “we’re in this together.”
7. Show affection
8. Validate emotions - Let your partner know his or her feelings make sense to you.

Most of us have heard and would intellectually agree with the notion that “it’s the little things that count” but are we intentionally living by that motto from moment to moment? I know that I could definitely be more conscientious. Dr. Gottman has observed that “Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle...but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” 

So what is to be done about planning the 30th wedding anniversary celebration? It sounds like I would do well to spend more time focusing on the little celebrations I can manage today, tomorrow, next week, and always for they will be the foundation upon which the successes of the big celebrations in our life will utterly depend.