"A Richly Detailed Love Map"

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #6

Dr. John Gottman, a psychological clinician, professor emeritus and today's foremost researcher on divorce prediction and marital stability, has observed that “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world.” He refers to this as having “a richly detailed love map”  or making cognitive room for your marriage. In short, one of the first and most important layers of successful couple relationships is an up-to-date understanding of what each other is feeling and thinking. This awareness develops and enriches love which creates deep wells that can be drawn from in times of emotional drought brought on by conflict and many other stressful events of life. 

In my coursework, it was suggested that we play a Twenty Questions type game as couples in an attempt to analyze how well we know the workings of each other's heads and hearts. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years so it seemed like the challenge would be simple. I was surprised. Out of 20 questions, I only got 13 precisely right while, while my husband bested me at 15. I tried to justify my lack with the excuse that I share more so my husband would know more and while there may be some truth to that, the fact remains that after three decades together, we both have room for improvement so time alone does not guarantee intellectual familiarity. One unanticipated finding was interesting to note. There were a few times we each acknowledged the answer we guessed for our spouse ended up being more accurate than the one we gave for ourselves. That realization was a small boon to our ongoing endeavor at nurturing marital friendship, which curiously begins with us singularly.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a professor, and respected author in the study of Family Life has proposed that “in striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood.” That kind of character requires more than just the accumulation of detailed facts about our spouses. For sure, knowledge is a strength but It demands the cultivation of interest, compassion, and a desire to surrender our hearts for the good of another. Goddard expresses it well. In eternal marriage “we make a covenantal step toward unselfishness” and as we progress in that relationship “we gain ennobled character as well as eternal companionship.” 

What I had thought would be a 30-minute exercise last night turned into hours of discussion and sharing. It was fun! It was insightful, and we determined that we should engage in those kinds of “knowing” conversations more often. It aided us in examining ourselves but it also focused our attention on each other and our relationship. In Dr. Goddard’s words, “character and companionship do not come without consistent investment. Yet, if we continue to make payments on our relationship, we will be amazed what we get for our "sacrifices."