Marital Friendship: No Fair Weather Clause

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #5

The past forty plus years of marriage research by Dr. John M. Gottman and his team has produced significant scientific data that help us to appreciate what the German Philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche believed in the 1800s; “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” There could be endless discussion on what Nietzsche meant by the word love and how different definitions could validate or negate his hypothesis but my interest has definitely been piqued by Gottman’s studies on the importance of marital friendship. The heart of his vast research points to what he states is the “simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” (Gottman, J. M. (2016) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.21)

I suppose there are many different definitions of friendship. One such is included in the Oxford dictionary, where it is described as “a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.” That lends an interesting perspective when related to the relationship between husband and wife, connoting two separate entities protecting each other from harm, strengthening ties and coming to each other's aid but Dr. Gottman’s marital descriptors add more intimacy and depth. They include:

• “Mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”
• Intimate knowledge of each other's “likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.”
• “An abiding regard [and ‘fondness’] for each other” expressed daily in “small gestures...”
• Attunement or “a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level.”

At this temporary time in our lives, my husband is working two jobs (night and day) often up to 64 hours a week and I am trying to balance the responsibilities (among others) of a mother,  homemaker, and student. Some days these roles feel all-consuming for both of us as our opposing schedules afford just enough time to pause and pass as we are coming and going. In these imperfect circumstances, it is far too easy to take our friendship for granted and focus instead on efficiency. But, because affinity is fundamental, we can’t give in; we can’t give up. So, we squeeze out time to engage in joint goals, schedule in weekly dates, work at being emotionally and physically present at the crossroads and continue to invest in our hopes, our dreams, and our future. And luckily, in fleeting moments, we still capture an instant...for laughter.

Silliness on my 50th Birthday - 2019