"A Richly Detailed Love Map"

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #6

Dr. John Gottman, a psychological clinician, professor emeritus and today's foremost researcher on divorce prediction and marital stability, has observed that “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world.” He refers to this as having “a richly detailed love map”  or making cognitive room for your marriage. In short, one of the first and most important layers of successful couple relationships is an up-to-date understanding of what each other is feeling and thinking. This awareness develops and enriches love which creates deep wells that can be drawn from in times of emotional drought brought on by conflict and many other stressful events of life. 

In my coursework, it was suggested that we play a Twenty Questions type game as couples in an attempt to analyze how well we know the workings of each other's heads and hearts. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years so it seemed like the challenge would be simple. I was surprised. Out of 20 questions, I only got 13 precisely right while, while my husband bested me at 15. I tried to justify my lack with the excuse that I share more so my husband would know more and while there may be some truth to that, the fact remains that after three decades together, we both have room for improvement so time alone does not guarantee intellectual familiarity. One unanticipated finding was interesting to note. There were a few times we each acknowledged the answer we guessed for our spouse ended up being more accurate than the one we gave for ourselves. That realization was a small boon to our ongoing endeavor at nurturing marital friendship, which curiously begins with us singularly.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a professor, and respected author in the study of Family Life has proposed that “in striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood.” That kind of character requires more than just the accumulation of detailed facts about our spouses. For sure, knowledge is a strength but It demands the cultivation of interest, compassion, and a desire to surrender our hearts for the good of another. Goddard expresses it well. In eternal marriage “we make a covenantal step toward unselfishness” and as we progress in that relationship “we gain ennobled character as well as eternal companionship.” 

What I had thought would be a 30-minute exercise last night turned into hours of discussion and sharing. It was fun! It was insightful, and we determined that we should engage in those kinds of “knowing” conversations more often. It aided us in examining ourselves but it also focused our attention on each other and our relationship. In Dr. Goddard’s words, “character and companionship do not come without consistent investment. Yet, if we continue to make payments on our relationship, we will be amazed what we get for our "sacrifices."

Marital Friendship: No Fair Weather Clause

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #5

The past forty plus years of marriage research by Dr. John M. Gottman and his team has produced significant scientific data that help us to appreciate what the German Philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche believed in the 1800s; “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” There could be endless discussion on what Nietzsche meant by the word love and how different definitions could validate or negate his hypothesis but my interest has definitely been piqued by Gottman’s studies on the importance of marital friendship. The heart of his vast research points to what he states is the “simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” (Gottman, J. M. (2016) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.21)

I suppose there are many different definitions of friendship. One such is included in the Oxford dictionary, where it is described as “a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.” That lends an interesting perspective when related to the relationship between husband and wife, connoting two separate entities protecting each other from harm, strengthening ties and coming to each other's aid but Dr. Gottman’s marital descriptors add more intimacy and depth. They include:

• “Mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”
• Intimate knowledge of each other's “likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.”
• “An abiding regard [and ‘fondness’] for each other” expressed daily in “small gestures...”
• Attunement or “a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level.”

At this temporary time in our lives, my husband is working two jobs (night and day) often up to 64 hours a week and I am trying to balance the responsibilities (among others) of a mother,  homemaker, and student. Some days these roles feel all-consuming for both of us as our opposing schedules afford just enough time to pause and pass as we are coming and going. In these imperfect circumstances, it is far too easy to take our friendship for granted and focus instead on efficiency. But, because affinity is fundamental, we can’t give in; we can’t give up. So, we squeeze out time to engage in joint goals, schedule in weekly dates, work at being emotionally and physically present at the crossroads and continue to invest in our hopes, our dreams, and our future. And luckily, in fleeting moments, we still capture an instant...for laughter.

Silliness on my 50th Birthday - 2019

Making Weak Links Strong

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #4

For the past two weeks, I have been creating a Genogram in order to study the marriage trends of at least three generations of my extended family. In that generation alone there are nearly 200 people, many who I have lost touch with over the numerous years since my adolescence, and others who I have never even met. Needless to say, it has become an enormous research project just to find and gather the information necessary for tracking those trends. I have not yet finished inputting all of my data, but as I survey each marriage and so much surprising divorce, much which had their beginnings as promised covenants in Latter-Day Saint temples, I cannot help but feel a little vulnerable and personally re-examine my own efforts at covenant keeping.

Bruce C. Hafen has suggested that trouble can come slinking into our marriages like the symbolic wolf at the sheepfold door if it is based on a contractual commitment and not a covenant one. The contracted hireling will flee from danger, but the covenant shepherd will “lay down his life” (making selfless choices daily) in order to guard the protective enclosure that houses those he loves. He states that these “wolves” can come in the forms of natural adversity, personal imperfections, or excessive individualism. (Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Marriage, Oct. 1996 General Conference)

Of course, I do not know the root causes of many of our family marriage breakdowns, but I have seen some of the sad symptoms of addictions, anger mismanagement, abuse, infidelity, indulgence, and almost always selfishness. There are cases in my family tree where the unfortunate damage was caused predominantly by one spouse who refused to change, but even when both husband and wife are working on themselves, no marriage is immune to enemy invasion. Certainly, one spouse cannot protect it alone, though we alone are responsible for our own actions. Both spouses together add enormous strength but even this teamwork of two does not possess the power necessary to ensure that the sheepfold is secure in a brutal enemy attack. We must be joined with Christ, united as vigilantly stationed sentries if we are to ward off every attack and guarantee that our marriages live, for “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11)

I cannot patch, repair or fix actions that are not mine but I can change me. I can try harder to love more and criticize less, forgive freely and repent often, serve regularly and engage fully. In short, I can work daily to become the person that I want my husband to be. Only then will I have true influence over making weak links strong in my own family, because I will cease to be one.

Three Generations - 2014

The Incontrovertible Truth About Marriage

THOUGHTS FROM LESSON #3

Over four years ago, on June 26, 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court dictated in a 5–4 decision that same-sex marriages be granted and recognized in all states, defying an overwhelming majority of the country's citizens who had previously voted to uphold the traditional concept of marriage. Yesterday, for the first time, I read the full 103-page court summary on this decision and its dissenting opinions. It is laborious, studious stuff, full of legal interpretation and precedential citings but in spite of the written jargon or maybe even because of the lengthy reasoning described, I came away from that experience even more convicted in my belief that no man or woman has the right to redefine marriage, an institution which dissenting Justice Roberts wrote, "has formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs." I believe its divine roots in our society date even further back to the very first marriage of Adam and Eve.

The five Justice's who favored this dangerous redefining of marriage have alleged that their decision was a bestowal of liberty upon the 20 claimants of the lawsuit and all who are like-minded. However, dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas firmly reminds us that "Our Constitution—like the Declaration of Independence before it—was predicated on a simple truth: One’s liberty, not to mention one’s dignity, was something to be shielded from—not provided by—the State." (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2014, Thomas, Scalia Dissenting, p. 84). Almost a year previous to this court judgment, Russel M. Nelson, then a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, stated this theological doctrine clearly. "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!" (Nelson, Russell M., 2014, Disciples of Jesus Christ--Defenders of Marriage).

As such, not only is this divine institution of marriage at stake but the religious freedom of every American citizen as well. Alexander Dushku, a civil liberties lawyer, anticipates that maintaining these rights will "depend...on people like you and me. If supporters of traditional marriage retreat, if they are intimidated into silence, if they give up trying to find the right words and arguments to defend their beliefs, if they do not stand up as living examples of the goodness of their beliefs, and if people of goodwill do not stand up for the rights of others to descent in good faith and yet still be numbered among us as our fellow citizens, neighbors, colleagues, and friends, then the Supreme Courts gay marriage decision will indeed become a disaster for religious liberty. But, if those who support traditional marriage are indeed examples of what is highest and best about their beliefs, if they... refuse to be silenced, if they find ways to explain and persuade with reason as well as kindness, meekness, and love, and if they cheerfully but resolutely endure the indignities that will indeed be visited upon them without bitterness asking only for toleration and understanding for their basic rights as Americans, then I believe that ultimately the great goodness and decency of the American people will rise up and our culture and law will carve out and protect enough spaces so that people of faith and their institutions who maintain traditional beliefs about marriage, family and sexuality can participate fully in all aspects of American life." (Dushku, Alexander, 2015, Religious Freedom Conference, BYU).
So what are we to do, those of us who in our Christian faith still hold to the incontrovertible truth that the only union which can be accurately characterized as marriage, still exists, between a man and a woman? Though we must abide by the laws of the land, we cannot conscientiously make concession for any other definition, so it is our solemn duty to stand up and speak boldly for the right to disagree and retain the religious liberty to live within our own moral guidelines. As Cathy Ruse profoundly reminded us at the World Congress of Families conference in October of 2015, "Our enemy in this fight is not our neighbor, not even 1.6% of our neighbors who identify themselves as gay. No. Our enemy is those who would be our masters. The judge who jails a clerk for failing to give her signature. The magistrate who takes the house of a baker for want of a cake. These are our enemies in the fight ahead." (Cathy Ruse remarks, World Congress of Families IX). It is vital that we recognize this and show kindness, compassion, and love to those who believe differently from ourselves and offer others the same "privilege of worshiping...according to the dictates of [their] own conscience, ... " (Articles of Faith 1:11) that we claim for ourselves. I believe that we are all children of God (thus brothers and sisters) and as such have the unalienable right to make our own choices. We each deserve respect. However, as children, we do not, any of us, have the right to alter divine doctrine. Dallin H. Oaks, a former Utah Supreme Court Justice, and current counselor in the first presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has warned, "Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values. The gospel of Jesus Christ and the covenants we have made inevitably cast us as combatants in the eternal contest between truth and error. There is no middle ground in that contest.” (Loving Others and Living with Differences, Dallin H. Oaks))

With that in mind, I here add my personal conviction, to the powerful prose of others, that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. ...that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." (Hinckley, Gordon B., 1995, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, General Relief Society Meeting of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). These roles and relationships in their original form are crucial to our civilization. I know the boat is not easy to row but we cannot rebuild it to our own specifications because it is not ours to alter. We must trust that as we take hold of the oars in all their authenticity that our marital muscles will be magnified and we will have the power to "row well and live." (Quintus Arrius, Ben Hur, 1955)

Enjoying time together at the Logan, UT temple - 2016